life pt. 2

i have found that in my life, under great amounts of stress, i ultimately cope with a journal entry.  before i really started smoking, and a few times during my cannabis stage, i have found journaling to be extremely beneficial.  it was decideing in a one on one with my treatment provider jesse callihan that i should start doing these things again.  so this is where i am, not able to smoke and drink, i am left to face my problems legitimately.  i do feel that this journaling this has helped me out tremendously.

so back on topic.  i have been very emotionally anxious lately.  it wasn't easy for me to finally realize that the term emotionally anxious really summed up my current situation, but i have always known that i am what i liked to call "emo". not like listening to Hawthorne heights and cutting myself with a black emo flap hair cut and tight black pants, but more of a state of mind.  like i meet a girl and instantly my brain starts a course of hormones flooding that lead me to be love stoned.  and that's where i am right now.  writing entries has helped me sort through a lot of my mental hangups and allowed me to move on to other more important issues.  but for now all i can think about is that trishia girl.  its killing me.  it is how ever been getting better. its really to the point now where i just want to see her all the time.  we both kinda defined that we both liked each other and so there's a lil bit of stress out of the way.  honestly i should be more stressed about my relationship with amanda.  i am not going to leave her for another girl. this is for certain. but is it too late, have i already done so?

me and amanda... i am not happy with her. it really is mostly a superficial thing.  i put a lot of emphasis on the aesthetically things in a relationship.  that has and always will rate very high in my books. with amanda, i always justified that by saying we really get a long or that we are more then just looks.  but that is starting to wear off, as to the point where almost a month ago, i really stop having urges to have sex with her. i turn her down all the time, and i find that sex now is very boring, limited, and i really cant doo all the things i want to do.i want to be with someone that i am intoxicated with, via looks and personality.i want to be happy with someone, be happy around them and be happy out with friends to.  

this whole situation has really allowed me to weigh out the benefits of my current relationship. what prompted this whole thing was one day during a one on one with jesse, i had sort of a brain epiphany and decided that i am changing soo much in my life right now, carving it out to be near perfect and to lead to a healthier life and better life that's more rewarding.  so i went through all the areas of my life that i am happy or unhappy with, that can be fixed and changed.  the one area that rates highest with unhappiness and changeability, is my relationships, whether it be close relationships, like amanda, or just friends, like Nick or destiny in herm.  so if im going to be truly happy i want to try to fix them all.  nows the time.  i dont believe in trying to save something, whats the point, theres others out there and i don't really want to be committed, esp committed to some one i cant say that i truly love. that to me is unhealthy. needs to be changed.  i know that this will cause a lot of pain, and i am super aware of this.  i have always been uncomfortable with the fact that i am using amanda and that from the begining going to have to create artificial feelings if i wanted it to work.  now i am to the point where i cant "wrestle this bear" too.  

the reason i got the jack job was to make more money for either my own place or a car. both of which i rank high on the priorities chart.  my independence means soo much to me.i want to be successful, at work at home and in life. all faucets of my life need to be perfect, the ones i can change anyways.  so basically i am changing, simply changing. life is change. ppl change. feelings change.

something i really want to hash out  right now is my memory and my current brain functions and processes.  currently, until i get the chance to write my shiz down, i am in a state of mental distress. highly unfocused and scattered. all of my current thoughts are based on my emotions and relationships, which i feel strongly correlate together, and are getting in the way of my memory, work and groups. i believe that my current brain functions are inhibiting a healthy brain function. like i think soo much about the relationship, that i am not really in reality, so i dont get into my life(work, groups, amanda) and i am not putting enough brain "ram" towards them because enough is being taking up by the emotional thoughts that i and not storing away pertinent knowledge or important things to remember.  there is a theory that the brain remembers just enough stuff to survive and it remembers the amount of thing, according to how much effort is being put into the current focus.  to sum it up...... i need to write this stuff out, get it off my chest, so i can become more productive, outside my head.

i just have to keep writing this stuff down, and filing, and moving on to the next issue at hand in my brain.

Posted via email from Nic's posterous