life pt. 2

i have found that in my life, under great amounts of stress, i ultimately cope with a journal entry.  before i really started smoking, and a few times during my cannabis stage, i have found journaling to be extremely beneficial.  it was decideing in a one on one with my treatment provider jesse callihan that i should start doing these things again.  so this is where i am, not able to smoke and drink, i am left to face my problems legitimately.  i do feel that this journaling this has helped me out tremendously.

so back on topic.  i have been very emotionally anxious lately.  it wasn't easy for me to finally realize that the term emotionally anxious really summed up my current situation, but i have always known that i am what i liked to call "emo". not like listening to Hawthorne heights and cutting myself with a black emo flap hair cut and tight black pants, but more of a state of mind.  like i meet a girl and instantly my brain starts a course of hormones flooding that lead me to be love stoned.  and that's where i am right now.  writing entries has helped me sort through a lot of my mental hangups and allowed me to move on to other more important issues.  but for now all i can think about is that trishia girl.  its killing me.  it is how ever been getting better. its really to the point now where i just want to see her all the time.  we both kinda defined that we both liked each other and so there's a lil bit of stress out of the way.  honestly i should be more stressed about my relationship with amanda.  i am not going to leave her for another girl. this is for certain. but is it too late, have i already done so?

me and amanda... i am not happy with her. it really is mostly a superficial thing.  i put a lot of emphasis on the aesthetically things in a relationship.  that has and always will rate very high in my books. with amanda, i always justified that by saying we really get a long or that we are more then just looks.  but that is starting to wear off, as to the point where almost a month ago, i really stop having urges to have sex with her. i turn her down all the time, and i find that sex now is very boring, limited, and i really cant doo all the things i want to do.i want to be with someone that i am intoxicated with, via looks and personality.i want to be happy with someone, be happy around them and be happy out with friends to.  

this whole situation has really allowed me to weigh out the benefits of my current relationship. what prompted this whole thing was one day during a one on one with jesse, i had sort of a brain epiphany and decided that i am changing soo much in my life right now, carving it out to be near perfect and to lead to a healthier life and better life that's more rewarding.  so i went through all the areas of my life that i am happy or unhappy with, that can be fixed and changed.  the one area that rates highest with unhappiness and changeability, is my relationships, whether it be close relationships, like amanda, or just friends, like Nick or destiny in herm.  so if im going to be truly happy i want to try to fix them all.  nows the time.  i dont believe in trying to save something, whats the point, theres others out there and i don't really want to be committed, esp committed to some one i cant say that i truly love. that to me is unhealthy. needs to be changed.  i know that this will cause a lot of pain, and i am super aware of this.  i have always been uncomfortable with the fact that i am using amanda and that from the begining going to have to create artificial feelings if i wanted it to work.  now i am to the point where i cant "wrestle this bear" too.  

the reason i got the jack job was to make more money for either my own place or a car. both of which i rank high on the priorities chart.  my independence means soo much to me.i want to be successful, at work at home and in life. all faucets of my life need to be perfect, the ones i can change anyways.  so basically i am changing, simply changing. life is change. ppl change. feelings change.

something i really want to hash out  right now is my memory and my current brain functions and processes.  currently, until i get the chance to write my shiz down, i am in a state of mental distress. highly unfocused and scattered. all of my current thoughts are based on my emotions and relationships, which i feel strongly correlate together, and are getting in the way of my memory, work and groups. i believe that my current brain functions are inhibiting a healthy brain function. like i think soo much about the relationship, that i am not really in reality, so i dont get into my life(work, groups, amanda) and i am not putting enough brain "ram" towards them because enough is being taking up by the emotional thoughts that i and not storing away pertinent knowledge or important things to remember.  there is a theory that the brain remembers just enough stuff to survive and it remembers the amount of thing, according to how much effort is being put into the current focus.  to sum it up...... i need to write this stuff out, get it off my chest, so i can become more productive, outside my head.

i just have to keep writing this stuff down, and filing, and moving on to the next issue at hand in my brain.

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life pt. 1

to where i begin this story i dont know.  to the current things on my mind, i do know i bit about. first of all the most pressin issue that is number one on the forefront is the whole area of my relationship and social department.  i have met this person at work named trishia and i have finnally gotten her number and have starting talking with her. shes a pretty cool person and i am sure of a mutual attraction. we talk often and we chill for moments smoking cigerettes. a good sum up of this situation is that i am love stoned and girl crazy for her. these things happen too fast and sudden for me with people in my life. i am aware of it though so its just a matter of finding a possible solution to these chemical imbalences.  so i feel that if i write about her that her presence in my head will waiver a bit and give me some relief. its not that these feeling are unpleasant, that be far from the case. but its that they take over my mind and allow no room for other healthier thought processes. 

so when it comes to this trish girl. there are a few things i wanna get out. first of all, and the hardest to easily fix is that i am incredible attracted to her. and this fact is something that is out of my control. its my brain and emotions and chemical, which i can only reason with, with logic.  i can cataluoge the reasons for this attraction by a few reason.  first of all i am sure that she diggs me. that right there automatically adds attraction to her. and she is an attractive girl and that right there adds points to her favor. the other day and for a few days now i have been doing a relationship inventory for trish. like what points would go towards a good relationship. like a point for this reason and a minus point for that reason. and as far as i can tell she only has two negative points, one for being quite closed minded about orientaion, and the second minus i cant remember.  

so for the most part i cant really control my feelings towards he. like i like her i know this. and yet i am only still getting to know her.  she seem decent enough and shes got a kind. travis at work says to give every relationship six months before you relenquish barriers and like kiss or bone. this makes really good sence to me. take it slow. dont be hasty. dont make rash desisions.  but i gotta get this emotion from her out! like its corrupting my brain and function. i hate writing about girls but it always seems to happen.  so i think the verdict is... go with these feelings that will bring us together, while at the same time, keeping an open mind and just get to know her. time will tell and these love stoned feelings will wear away, or grow.  i will re-address this topic....fosho.

second on my mind is the fact that i really want to move out and get my own place. things with amanda and i have reached a pleatue. very stagnant. the reasons i knew all along that have kept me from really letting go to her havent changed and have been causing some stress and upset for me. i am very selfish and i know this. this is my life. why settle. i have potential and should be living up to it.  if i am not completly happy with someone all the way around....completly, then there is no use continueing the relationship.  this whole relationship started in a way which is not entirely good, or in other words not too comfortable with the way in which me and amanda came to meet each other.  there are many things that i dont care too much for with amanda, wich lend to my unhappiness. but there are quite a few pros to this situation, i cannot sell this one short.  i will pros and cons me and amanda situation. some of the pros are , the housing situation, me and hers friends, her cool parents. the cons, we dont really get along extremly well, she is attention starved, shes very easily angered, we dont easily connect or share deep meaningfull things, she shuts down and doesnt share except through text message many days after something happens.

mostly i feel like i am wasting my time that i could very well be happyer with some other situation.  i always tell myself that i need to be single and figure myself out and find myself. this is still very true. i moved in with amanda because i neede a place to stay. it was a conveinience thing which saddens me that it wasnt love.  i am sure that i need to get my own place. take a break with amanda. i dont think that breaking up with amanda is what i want, because i am on the fence so to speak with her, constantly weighing the points on the table. and i dont want to end things, nor break her heart. so i feel th e best resolution would be to take a break. nothing definate, just a break.  for me to either be happyer or miss her.  i need some time apart to take a better perspective. because i truely believe that we are not meant for each other and will prolly not work out. i think its been 6 months. which is quite some time. i have in the past tryed to be by myself, alone but i alway cling to some one. whoever that be at the time. i have life phases.  i can think in my head the people i have been really close with. jennifer, caite, chelcey cassa cody alex destiny smashly amanda, nick, travis donnie byron.  i think i am emotionjally dependent.  mostly i want to be single so that i can make desiosions that only impact myself and dont hurt other people at the same time. because in fact the way i want to live my life for the moment is different then i am actually living it right now.

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