numero quattro

so i kinda know one thing for sure. and that is that i really enjoy the company of my good friend Trishia. i know i talk about her a lot but hey its what eve.  if she ever wandered across this blog i have... she would probably think i was a stalker.  i went on a 18 mile bike ride today. and it was a piece of cake.  i did it pretty fast. i think i did it in an hour...which is pretty baller if yea ask me. thats a average of 18 miles an hour speed. dankness.  i had a one on one with jesse before my 6:15 group on Friday, right after i wrote the last journal entry, so that i would be ready and open minded. and we discussed a lot of things and i am not quite sure what conclusions we came up with.  i think that when i prompted him for advise, towards the end of the conversation, he simply stated that i should just stick to my coping mechanisms and keep up the good work. i had expressed to him that i was loosing motivation and that not only was i loosing motivation for my drug court obligations, but also for my fun coping activities. which he found very strange.  like i came in to the meeting thinking i need to figure something out, because with a lil bit of lost motivation, it snowballs into something greater, and i really wanted to nip it in the butt, early.  so that was the main reason i called jesse and requested a meeting with him, since i missed our scheduled meeting on thurs. i still needed to talk with him. i felt it very important to sit down and talk with him, because like i said, i wanna remain as positive as possible as to not waiver my self or deviate from the drug court program.  i am not even remotely close to relapsing at all. i feel very strong against peer pressure and abstinence. that not  to say i haven't been tested recently, because i have quite tremulously.  but i feel i nipped that one in the but pretty quickly.i have been experimenting with many different genres of music lately. ill have to say that a majority of the time, im listening to taking back sunday.  but Ive been trying out the different types of music on myself because i have been having a lot of emotions run through my brain lately..... i need to take a break and play some xbox....soo long for now.

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life pt 3 (perhaps)

    

     well as i sit here listening to minus the bear i really am at a loss of things to share. i have been this sort of way for a grip now. i missed last weeks post becuase i simply couldnt think of anything to say. things are going better. i transistioned from phase 1 to phase two, which is glorious.  i wrote a beautiful transistion letter and read it to the drugcourt.  it all went well. 

     but i just cannot comunicate my thoughts to my fingers, then to my computer, and this bugs me a little.  the current mind talk issue i am having is, perhaps, i am loosing a bit of motivation, in life and drugcourt. i dunno why.  i have a few speculations. one being that i built up this phase two transition thing soo much that once it happend, it wasnt that great, and it was over.  but i think that maybe i somehow had it in my head that this was it. the end, and then it happened, and i still have to be on top of my game just as much as before. no breaks. i am not saying that i have been close to relapse, because thats not the case at all. i did however hang out and spend a lot of time around my drug using friends in hermiston while they were using and drinking.  not to say i wasnt jealous, but i was super strong and didnt even think about joinin them, at all. which is really great to me.  maybe that set me back a lil bit in my treatment. perhaps waivered my focus a lil bit.

    one other issue that i just thought of, and i am not done with that last thought, but this is quite important to me.   ive had some conversations at work with brendan, and he mentioned out of the blue, that i seemed to be codependent. ant that right there bothered me. for a coworker to just out and say that i have codependent tendencys.... that would make me believe i have a problem.   that conversation was an eye opener.  so i wiki codependency and i dont really quite fit.  but i doo heavily rely on others acceptance to live, i know that much.  so i approached brendan about it later and he said that it was in regards to my performance and productivity at work. which has a whole hell of a lot to do with my adhd, sooo im not so worried about that then. becasue i thought he was referencing my personal life.

  what the fuck is it with trishia?!  i like her and i m pretty sure she likes me becasue of the way she acts towards me and what not. should i just do what i feel is right. because ive got this ideal that i should wait 6 months and not be hasty but its soo fucking hard. well i do have a girlfriend, so i dont want to be a playa playa and cheat, but i have already started to have conversations with amanda about breaking up with her.  she has been handleiong it very well.  we both planned to go on vacation at the coast.... so that will probably be the final moment together.i am quite aprehensive to see how the coast is going to work out. i hope its bad, becasue i think i have already moved on.  so i think i just need to do what i want in this situation, because this is a terrible test of patience. she is quite worth it, it seems.  should i totally embrace this and go with it, express my feelings or like totally make out with her like i want or should i be patent?

      what else is on my mind? i covered trishia and my lack of motivation in drug court and brendans woords.....so i think that does it for now....:)

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