numero quattro

so i kinda know one thing for sure. and that is that i really enjoy the company of my good friend Trishia. i know i talk about her a lot but hey its what eve.  if she ever wandered across this blog i have... she would probably think i was a stalker.  i went on a 18 mile bike ride today. and it was a piece of cake.  i did it pretty fast. i think i did it in an hour...which is pretty baller if yea ask me. thats a average of 18 miles an hour speed. dankness.  i had a one on one with jesse before my 6:15 group on Friday, right after i wrote the last journal entry, so that i would be ready and open minded. and we discussed a lot of things and i am not quite sure what conclusions we came up with.  i think that when i prompted him for advise, towards the end of the conversation, he simply stated that i should just stick to my coping mechanisms and keep up the good work. i had expressed to him that i was loosing motivation and that not only was i loosing motivation for my drug court obligations, but also for my fun coping activities. which he found very strange.  like i came in to the meeting thinking i need to figure something out, because with a lil bit of lost motivation, it snowballs into something greater, and i really wanted to nip it in the butt, early.  so that was the main reason i called jesse and requested a meeting with him, since i missed our scheduled meeting on thurs. i still needed to talk with him. i felt it very important to sit down and talk with him, because like i said, i wanna remain as positive as possible as to not waiver my self or deviate from the drug court program.  i am not even remotely close to relapsing at all. i feel very strong against peer pressure and abstinence. that not  to say i haven't been tested recently, because i have quite tremulously.  but i feel i nipped that one in the but pretty quickly.i have been experimenting with many different genres of music lately. ill have to say that a majority of the time, im listening to taking back sunday.  but Ive been trying out the different types of music on myself because i have been having a lot of emotions run through my brain lately..... i need to take a break and play some xbox....soo long for now.

Posted via email from Nic's posterous

life pt 3 (perhaps)

    

     well as i sit here listening to minus the bear i really am at a loss of things to share. i have been this sort of way for a grip now. i missed last weeks post becuase i simply couldnt think of anything to say. things are going better. i transistioned from phase 1 to phase two, which is glorious.  i wrote a beautiful transistion letter and read it to the drugcourt.  it all went well. 

     but i just cannot comunicate my thoughts to my fingers, then to my computer, and this bugs me a little.  the current mind talk issue i am having is, perhaps, i am loosing a bit of motivation, in life and drugcourt. i dunno why.  i have a few speculations. one being that i built up this phase two transition thing soo much that once it happend, it wasnt that great, and it was over.  but i think that maybe i somehow had it in my head that this was it. the end, and then it happened, and i still have to be on top of my game just as much as before. no breaks. i am not saying that i have been close to relapse, because thats not the case at all. i did however hang out and spend a lot of time around my drug using friends in hermiston while they were using and drinking.  not to say i wasnt jealous, but i was super strong and didnt even think about joinin them, at all. which is really great to me.  maybe that set me back a lil bit in my treatment. perhaps waivered my focus a lil bit.

    one other issue that i just thought of, and i am not done with that last thought, but this is quite important to me.   ive had some conversations at work with brendan, and he mentioned out of the blue, that i seemed to be codependent. ant that right there bothered me. for a coworker to just out and say that i have codependent tendencys.... that would make me believe i have a problem.   that conversation was an eye opener.  so i wiki codependency and i dont really quite fit.  but i doo heavily rely on others acceptance to live, i know that much.  so i approached brendan about it later and he said that it was in regards to my performance and productivity at work. which has a whole hell of a lot to do with my adhd, sooo im not so worried about that then. becasue i thought he was referencing my personal life.

  what the fuck is it with trishia?!  i like her and i m pretty sure she likes me becasue of the way she acts towards me and what not. should i just do what i feel is right. because ive got this ideal that i should wait 6 months and not be hasty but its soo fucking hard. well i do have a girlfriend, so i dont want to be a playa playa and cheat, but i have already started to have conversations with amanda about breaking up with her.  she has been handleiong it very well.  we both planned to go on vacation at the coast.... so that will probably be the final moment together.i am quite aprehensive to see how the coast is going to work out. i hope its bad, becasue i think i have already moved on.  so i think i just need to do what i want in this situation, because this is a terrible test of patience. she is quite worth it, it seems.  should i totally embrace this and go with it, express my feelings or like totally make out with her like i want or should i be patent?

      what else is on my mind? i covered trishia and my lack of motivation in drug court and brendans woords.....so i think that does it for now....:)

Posted via email from Nic's posterous

life pt. 2

i have found that in my life, under great amounts of stress, i ultimately cope with a journal entry.  before i really started smoking, and a few times during my cannabis stage, i have found journaling to be extremely beneficial.  it was decideing in a one on one with my treatment provider jesse callihan that i should start doing these things again.  so this is where i am, not able to smoke and drink, i am left to face my problems legitimately.  i do feel that this journaling this has helped me out tremendously.

so back on topic.  i have been very emotionally anxious lately.  it wasn't easy for me to finally realize that the term emotionally anxious really summed up my current situation, but i have always known that i am what i liked to call "emo". not like listening to Hawthorne heights and cutting myself with a black emo flap hair cut and tight black pants, but more of a state of mind.  like i meet a girl and instantly my brain starts a course of hormones flooding that lead me to be love stoned.  and that's where i am right now.  writing entries has helped me sort through a lot of my mental hangups and allowed me to move on to other more important issues.  but for now all i can think about is that trishia girl.  its killing me.  it is how ever been getting better. its really to the point now where i just want to see her all the time.  we both kinda defined that we both liked each other and so there's a lil bit of stress out of the way.  honestly i should be more stressed about my relationship with amanda.  i am not going to leave her for another girl. this is for certain. but is it too late, have i already done so?

me and amanda... i am not happy with her. it really is mostly a superficial thing.  i put a lot of emphasis on the aesthetically things in a relationship.  that has and always will rate very high in my books. with amanda, i always justified that by saying we really get a long or that we are more then just looks.  but that is starting to wear off, as to the point where almost a month ago, i really stop having urges to have sex with her. i turn her down all the time, and i find that sex now is very boring, limited, and i really cant doo all the things i want to do.i want to be with someone that i am intoxicated with, via looks and personality.i want to be happy with someone, be happy around them and be happy out with friends to.  

this whole situation has really allowed me to weigh out the benefits of my current relationship. what prompted this whole thing was one day during a one on one with jesse, i had sort of a brain epiphany and decided that i am changing soo much in my life right now, carving it out to be near perfect and to lead to a healthier life and better life that's more rewarding.  so i went through all the areas of my life that i am happy or unhappy with, that can be fixed and changed.  the one area that rates highest with unhappiness and changeability, is my relationships, whether it be close relationships, like amanda, or just friends, like Nick or destiny in herm.  so if im going to be truly happy i want to try to fix them all.  nows the time.  i dont believe in trying to save something, whats the point, theres others out there and i don't really want to be committed, esp committed to some one i cant say that i truly love. that to me is unhealthy. needs to be changed.  i know that this will cause a lot of pain, and i am super aware of this.  i have always been uncomfortable with the fact that i am using amanda and that from the begining going to have to create artificial feelings if i wanted it to work.  now i am to the point where i cant "wrestle this bear" too.  

the reason i got the jack job was to make more money for either my own place or a car. both of which i rank high on the priorities chart.  my independence means soo much to me.i want to be successful, at work at home and in life. all faucets of my life need to be perfect, the ones i can change anyways.  so basically i am changing, simply changing. life is change. ppl change. feelings change.

something i really want to hash out  right now is my memory and my current brain functions and processes.  currently, until i get the chance to write my shiz down, i am in a state of mental distress. highly unfocused and scattered. all of my current thoughts are based on my emotions and relationships, which i feel strongly correlate together, and are getting in the way of my memory, work and groups. i believe that my current brain functions are inhibiting a healthy brain function. like i think soo much about the relationship, that i am not really in reality, so i dont get into my life(work, groups, amanda) and i am not putting enough brain "ram" towards them because enough is being taking up by the emotional thoughts that i and not storing away pertinent knowledge or important things to remember.  there is a theory that the brain remembers just enough stuff to survive and it remembers the amount of thing, according to how much effort is being put into the current focus.  to sum it up...... i need to write this stuff out, get it off my chest, so i can become more productive, outside my head.

i just have to keep writing this stuff down, and filing, and moving on to the next issue at hand in my brain.

Posted via email from Nic's posterous

life pt. 1

to where i begin this story i dont know.  to the current things on my mind, i do know i bit about. first of all the most pressin issue that is number one on the forefront is the whole area of my relationship and social department.  i have met this person at work named trishia and i have finnally gotten her number and have starting talking with her. shes a pretty cool person and i am sure of a mutual attraction. we talk often and we chill for moments smoking cigerettes. a good sum up of this situation is that i am love stoned and girl crazy for her. these things happen too fast and sudden for me with people in my life. i am aware of it though so its just a matter of finding a possible solution to these chemical imbalences.  so i feel that if i write about her that her presence in my head will waiver a bit and give me some relief. its not that these feeling are unpleasant, that be far from the case. but its that they take over my mind and allow no room for other healthier thought processes. 

so when it comes to this trish girl. there are a few things i wanna get out. first of all, and the hardest to easily fix is that i am incredible attracted to her. and this fact is something that is out of my control. its my brain and emotions and chemical, which i can only reason with, with logic.  i can cataluoge the reasons for this attraction by a few reason.  first of all i am sure that she diggs me. that right there automatically adds attraction to her. and she is an attractive girl and that right there adds points to her favor. the other day and for a few days now i have been doing a relationship inventory for trish. like what points would go towards a good relationship. like a point for this reason and a minus point for that reason. and as far as i can tell she only has two negative points, one for being quite closed minded about orientaion, and the second minus i cant remember.  

so for the most part i cant really control my feelings towards he. like i like her i know this. and yet i am only still getting to know her.  she seem decent enough and shes got a kind. travis at work says to give every relationship six months before you relenquish barriers and like kiss or bone. this makes really good sence to me. take it slow. dont be hasty. dont make rash desisions.  but i gotta get this emotion from her out! like its corrupting my brain and function. i hate writing about girls but it always seems to happen.  so i think the verdict is... go with these feelings that will bring us together, while at the same time, keeping an open mind and just get to know her. time will tell and these love stoned feelings will wear away, or grow.  i will re-address this topic....fosho.

second on my mind is the fact that i really want to move out and get my own place. things with amanda and i have reached a pleatue. very stagnant. the reasons i knew all along that have kept me from really letting go to her havent changed and have been causing some stress and upset for me. i am very selfish and i know this. this is my life. why settle. i have potential and should be living up to it.  if i am not completly happy with someone all the way around....completly, then there is no use continueing the relationship.  this whole relationship started in a way which is not entirely good, or in other words not too comfortable with the way in which me and amanda came to meet each other.  there are many things that i dont care too much for with amanda, wich lend to my unhappiness. but there are quite a few pros to this situation, i cannot sell this one short.  i will pros and cons me and amanda situation. some of the pros are , the housing situation, me and hers friends, her cool parents. the cons, we dont really get along extremly well, she is attention starved, shes very easily angered, we dont easily connect or share deep meaningfull things, she shuts down and doesnt share except through text message many days after something happens.

mostly i feel like i am wasting my time that i could very well be happyer with some other situation.  i always tell myself that i need to be single and figure myself out and find myself. this is still very true. i moved in with amanda because i neede a place to stay. it was a conveinience thing which saddens me that it wasnt love.  i am sure that i need to get my own place. take a break with amanda. i dont think that breaking up with amanda is what i want, because i am on the fence so to speak with her, constantly weighing the points on the table. and i dont want to end things, nor break her heart. so i feel th e best resolution would be to take a break. nothing definate, just a break.  for me to either be happyer or miss her.  i need some time apart to take a better perspective. because i truely believe that we are not meant for each other and will prolly not work out. i think its been 6 months. which is quite some time. i have in the past tryed to be by myself, alone but i alway cling to some one. whoever that be at the time. i have life phases.  i can think in my head the people i have been really close with. jennifer, caite, chelcey cassa cody alex destiny smashly amanda, nick, travis donnie byron.  i think i am emotionjally dependent.  mostly i want to be single so that i can make desiosions that only impact myself and dont hurt other people at the same time. because in fact the way i want to live my life for the moment is different then i am actually living it right now.

Posted via email from Nic's posterous

state radio

One gonna heal my body another gonna heal my pain
One gonna settle me down then bring me back up again

Im gonna put my family back together again

One gonna hold my woman another gonna hold my job
One gonna help me get up, another gonna help me stop

One gonna help me talk right, one gonna lay me down to sleep

(Humming)

One gonna hold my thoughts and another gonna hold my bones
One gonna keep me warm and another gonna keep me cold

One gonna bring religon, right from a Coleman stove
One gonna help me keep em another gonna help me tame

One gonna run me down (Hell a bullets in my way)

Youre gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago

(humming)

Im gonna buckle my belt around the ceiling pipe
Im gonna buckle my knees and Im gonna lock em up tight

Im gonna hold a pen while you drag my arm across the page

One gonna hold my memories another gonna close the door 
One gonna leave me restless another wanting more 

Youre gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago

Posted via email from Nic's posterous

hey-oooh

the warzone special edition.
the "no-studio" edition

well usually i have a weekly radio show but i am away from the station for the summer. here is a list of the top ten songs that are kicking my ass right now.
1 golden ball stereolab
2 my guru jack johnson
3 razorblade the strokes
4 spitting out the demons gorillaz
5 violent the faint
6 progenies of a the great apocalypse dimmu borgir
7 breakin up violent femmes
8 kill the rock mindless self indulgence
9 treva cool kolonia
10 total job the faint


nicolas mcquain
feening the booth

KTEC 89.5
Klamath basins Freeform Radio Station



Presents

"THE warzone"


this is the "bomb-free" episode for all of campus.

"One hit KILL"
A.K.A.
show numbered T3N
May 19th 2008
7pm to 9pm every monday

MP3 download link:
(CLICK HERE)

PEACE to all




enjoy